


Enhancements

by AreYouReady



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: And Freaks Out, Gen, Zim Realizes That Humans Get Taller
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-04 23:10:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6679219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AreYouReady/pseuds/AreYouReady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zim has an ingenious plot, but it has unforeseen side effects: namely, reminding him of one of humanity's more distressing qualities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enhancements

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't read the comics, but I know they exist, so this is my attempt at dealing with... the height issue.

Dib stared down at his corn and mayonnaise. He wasn’t going to eat this. Not today. To distract himself, he shot a glare over at Zim’s table, where the alien was no doubt plotting something nefarious. Or just staring at him and not blinking often enough.

But Zim wasn’t there.

Dib leapt out of his chair and scanned the room, searching for his archnemesis. He didn’t see him anywhere. Dib was just about to rush out of the room when he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He whipped around, but there was no one there. And then he felt a prick of pain on his scalp.

“Wha-” he murmured and brought his hand up to touch the spot. It didn’t _seem_ injured. He should probably check for needle marks in the bathroom mirror, though, in case Zim had injected him with something. He scanned the lunchroom again, and there Zim was, at his table, like nothing had happened. Dib narrowed his eyes and glared as he slowly sat back down.

\---

Zim grinned maniacally all the way home. This was his best plan yet! He clutched the tiny vial containing a strand of Dib’s hair close to his chest. Now, he could test his latest machine, the DNA Prediction Probe Thingy, on the puny stinkboy, and find out if said stinkboy had any puny human biological weaknesses.

He grinned all the way through every level of his base, too, and rubbed his hands together with not-really-contained-at-all glee as he stood before the Thingy. He inverted the vial over the Thingy’s catchbucket, tapped on the bottom of the thing a few times to get the hair to fall out, and closed the catchbucket. Then he flicked the switch.

There was a rumbling. A crashing. A screeching. A sloshing. A slurping. A smooshing. A snorkeling.

Zim cackled. Soon he would know the Dib’s weaknesses. _Delicious, exploitable weaknesses._ There was a soft ding.

“Computer!” Zim commanded, imperiously.

“What?” groaned the computer.

“Tell me the readouts from this machine!” He gestured emphatically at the Thingy.

“One moment…

_DNA: Human._

_Decay level: Moderate._

_Predictions of Subject’s Traits:_

_Intelligence: High_

_Sociality: Low_

_Dark Triad Personality Traits: Moderate to High_

_Ickiness: High_

_Disordered Physiological and Neurological Predispositions:_

_Alcohol Abuse Disorder_

_Allergies – Airborne_

_Allergies – Contact_

_Allergies – Foodborne – Life Threatening_

_Allergies – Foodborne – Non Life Threatening_

_Arrhythmia_

_Asthma_

_Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder_

_Autism Spectrum Disorder…”_

By this point, Zim had stopped listening completely, too busy giggling to himself as the computer continued to list off all the problems Dib might someday have, or, at least, might be _encouraged_ to develop. Maybe the Earth-stinky already had some. He was practically _bouncing_ with joy by the time the (extremely long) list was over. Zim turned to return to the main wing of his lab, but it seemed to computer hadn’t actually finished.

“… _Projected Adult Weight: 115 to 145 pounds_

_Projected Adult Height: 5’10 to 6’1…”_

“Computer, stop!” shouted Zim. Surely he was simply misremembering the lengths of these horrible _Earth_ units. Surely _Dib_ was not destined to be… _tall._ “Computer! Show me a hologram of the Dib monkey, and increase its height to six feet, one inch!”

An image appeared before him of Dib, horribly stretched out so that it was even more grotesque than the Earthboy usually was. But that wasn’t why Zim leapt back, or why his PAK legs instinctively sprung out, ready for fighting or fleeing.

No, that was simply an Irken’s natural reaction to an enemy that was _much, much_ taller than they were. Zim gaped. The Dib monster was destined to be nearly twice his height! This was unacceptable, he would _not_ be shorter than his greatest enemy. No, no, no, no, no, no…

He had an idea.

“Computer, fetch me my cybernetics kit!”

“Oka-”

“I said _fetch me my cybernetics kit!”_

“I’m fet-”

“ ** _FETCH IT!!_** ”

\---

“Kids have growth spurts all the time, Dib, give poor Zim a break. You’re always so _mean_ to him.”

“But he grew three feet over night! And his arms are metal! Metal! I think his legs are too! He’s using some kind of walker robot-”

“Shut up, Dib, you’re crazy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I wrote Invader Zim fanfiction. I feel... unclean.


End file.
